My Birthday and Welcome 2012!

It's kinda weird having a birthday at the end of the year. My kids always feel bad for me having my birthday so close to Christmas because I have to wait an ENTIRE year to get presents again. :-)

I never minded that my birthday fell now, it meant more people remembered to wish me a happy birthday. It also is another good reason to be sure and have people over on New Year's Eve - I always have extra cake from the birthday to share.

What I'm not real keen on are the extra lines I can see when I look in the mirror. I've earned them, I know, but I still haven't made peace with them. I wonder if I need to? Will it make me less of a Christian if I don't accept aging gracefully?

OK, so another year has passed. And what a year it has been!! I can tell you about the obvious changes - like starting a Christ-centered counseling practice that is now doing well. (whew!) Attending a new church which still feels a bit strange after 7 months. Sending my oldest off to college. My middle son playing AAU basketball for the first time. My youngest having his first piano recital. Good stuff. Some of it hard stuff, but ALL of it part of God's plan for us.

What isn't so easy to explain is the inner changes. The way the Great Potter had been molding, chipping away, causing some pain. I know I've said this before - I don't mind change, I just want it on my terms. :-) This past year has been a year of change NOT on my terms. I think there were some areas that God just said - I know you aren't going to do this willingly - so here's your SHOVE! However, as an attentive Potter, this chunk of clay has never never been out of His hands. The pressure of His loving hands constantly on my heart was and is reassuring. (yes, I just called myself a piece of wet dirt :-)

There are things I now understand that I would not if I hadn't lived through the last few years. There are ways in which my experiences have strengthened my faith in the Lord so that I KNOW all the way to the depth of my toes He is FOR me. So when I reassure the woman in my counseling office that God loves her and He hasn't forgotten her, she can see it in my eyes and see my belief is strong and vibrant and it gives her hope.

And if that were the only reason for the last few years it would be worth it. God loves me. He loves you. He gave His very life to remove the gulf between us. There is nothing and no one and no situation beyond His reach.

Blessings to you in 2012. Until next time....
.... the greatest of these is love!

The Story of God and You

Wrote this yesterday morning. The words just started coming, so I had to miss church to get it on paper....sometimes you just gotta do what ya gotta do. 

The STORY of GOD and YOU

In daylight hours He speaks to her through words timeless and true

Stories of struggle triumph and grace

Words of hope and promises kept

Tales of woe and woo

When weariness comes and night sets in, He speaks to her again

Dreams of things not seen in the light

Continue the story affirm the path

And allow emotions spent 

Read on oh child, of stories real

Dream on of stories true

For this is not just once upon a time

This is the story of God and you

The tale is long, as the story goes, beyond the memory of man

Every character a role to play

For evil or good it comes

Together in one master plan

She is the damsel in distress in need of rescuing

This story is an epic romance

He is the hero fighting the foe

And coming to set her free

Read on oh child, of stories real

Dream on of stories true

For this is not just once upon a time

This is the story of God and you

The hero saves the day indeed on battlefields apart

But the damsel at home is yet to be won

The war with-in rages on

For this battle is waged in her heart

Where is my hero, the one that I love? Is it too good to be true?

Trial and troubles cause deep seated doubt

Leave her with questions

Will He really come through?

Read on oh child, of stories real

Dream on of stories true

For this is not just once upon a time

This is the story of God and you

This is the story of God and you

  

She wants a happy ending, but then again, don’t we all?

To know it’s real beyond a doubt

The assurance of things unseen

And know we’d answer “here I am” at His call.

But only one assurance is given, one promise on which to stand

I will never leave or forsake you

I will be with you always

And carry you into your promised land

Read on oh child, of stories real

Dream on of stories true

For this is not just once upon a time

This is the story of God and you

Read on oh child, of stories real

Dream on of stories true

For this is not just once upon a time

This is the story of God and you

This is the story of God and you

Undone

I have to share this with you.  It is, as Paul Harvey would say, "the rest of the story".  I couldn't tell you before, because I needed time to let it sit. Sometimes, when God shows up in a very powerful and personal way, you need time to take it in and digest it. I'm still in awe.

This actually happened prior to my last blog in terms of chronology. It was what allowed those rays of hope to filter through.

A couple blogs back I wrote about row boats and grief. I don't blame you if you didn't read it. Anything with grief in the title tends to scare people away. If you want to get the full impact of what I'm about to share, you may want to go back and read that one first.

I left that one with me and Jesus sitting in the row boat. I was in a hard place at that point in my relationship with Him, and even though we were in the same boat, I wasn't ready to budge. He needed to make the next move. I felt like He had let me down, that I had done all that He had asked me to do and He hadn't held up His end of the deal. Now you may be thinking that is pretty brash of me, and it is, but in all honesty, that is how I felt and I made no secret of it. God knew how I felt. Relationships and the emotions that go along with them don't always fit neatly into our rational boxes.

So, I sat in the boat with Jesus on the still water and waited. And every now and then I'd look accusingly at Him. I was angry. I was hurting. I believed I was justified in how I felt.

But the distance was almost unbearable. I wanted to erase the distance, but I wasn't going to move. He needed to move. So He did.  

Here's what happened.

I had shared my testimony with a small group of people telling them what God has done in my life the last several years. It was an overwhelming experience, but I did it in obedience knowing that I needed to do it. I didn't get the response I had hoped for. This created a great deal of angst in me. I got angry. I was going to share how I felt some friends via email. But I hesitated and didn't hit the SEND button. Something told me to wait and share it with my husband. When I shared it with my husband, he said I was only going to stir up problems and it sounded like I was complaining. 

My husband hit the most raw, tender, painful place he could have at that moment. I felt the same thing from him I believed God had done to me - left me hanging, unsupported, un-cared for, unprotected. Where was the one who was supposed to stand up for me? Where was my protector, my safe place?  I hit a low I didn't know I could hit. I have never felt more alone than I did that night. Satan whispered in my ears and it was easy to listen. It was a dark night of the soul.

The boat was rocking. I feared I would fall out. I clung to the side and refused to look up. All I could think of was just staying in the boat. Where did Jesus go? Where did this storm come from anyway?!?!

The next day God sent a friend to comfort me. 

Two days later, my husband and I talked and this relationship was restored. There was understanding and love.

Three days later, on a Sunday morning, I went for prayer. The two prayer ministers that met with me did not know me. I shared with them the readers digest version of what I've been through, but I did not mention the story of the boat and the storm. 

They prayed. They read scriptures. 

Not just any prayers. Not just any scriptures. Personally meaningful things that have been significant to me over this past year. 

Things they could not have known. 

God was speaking to me. He was present and powerful. He reminded me of truths He had shown me previously, of ways He was answering my prayers that His will be done in my life. He clarified my misconceptions and made some things clear I hadn't thought of.

They asked if I had anything to confess. I did. I repented of my lack of trust and faith. That in my anger I had sinned in thought and speech. I doubted Jesus' love and ability to intervene.

Then, one of the prayer ministers looked me in the eyes and said, "Do you know the story of the disciples in the boat and Jesus is walking toward them on the water in the midst of the storm? They were so afraid of the storm they didn't recognize that it was Jesus." 

I stared at her, dumbfounded. How did she know? 

I see Jesus hugging me, I'm crying on His shoulder as we sit in the rowboat. This vision fills my mind. 

I am undone.

I am still marveling at that hour in a prayer room where God met me in a powerful way. As I reflect, I can see how He used my husband, my symbolic Christ, to till the soil of my heart and prepare me for meeting with Him. And I marvel at noticing the timing of 3 days and meeting Him on Sunday morning. I am beginning to see how all the disappointments of the last year are serving to create more space for Him in my life, more dependence, more self-surrender. 

Is there something special about me that God would speak to me like this? 

No.

He responds to every heart that seeks Him. 

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. Mathew 7:7

until next time...

and the greatest of these is love!

Joy Comes in the Morning....Is it Morning Yet?

You know when you have that ah-ha moment, but the excitement of having the ah-ha is quickly diminished by the weight of the realization? That happened to me this morning.

I've been reading a book about brokenness and the author talks about being broken in the right place. His assertion is that there is brokenness in the wrong place that results in bitterness, distorted views of self and God, fear, self-pity, even hatred. But when there is brokenness in the right place, the result is humility, increased faith and dependence on God and evidence of fruit of the Spirit.

God has healed me of the brokenness in the wrong place. Hallelujah! However, this was such an overwhelming time in my life that it felt more like breaking than healing. I always thought healing would be a more pleasant experience. In my case that was a wrong assumption. But healing is so much better than living in defeat. It was so worth it!!

Then, right on the heels of this came a time of great hurt, fear, loneliness and isolation. I experienced pain of a very different kind. Now that I have some perspective, I am realizing that this was probably a process of being broken in the right place. (my ah-ha moment) God has been slowly, but surely showing me areas that need surrendering, especially my pride. He is showing me His unconditional love, His patience, His authority, His amazing grace....I guess you could say I'm seeing a bit more clearly who He is. I'm experiencing this reality rather than just knowing it is true.

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:11-12  

In my last blog I spoke about the desire for joy. I recently came across some information on joy. I learned that joy is faith-oriented, not emotion-driven. It is based on God's goodness, His expressions of grace and love in our lives and on what He is able to do. When I focus my hope on God and what He can do rather than on my circumstances, I will find the faith to stand in joy.

I also learned that people who have been broken by the Lord, (broken in the right place) nearly always have a cheerful disposition because they understand it isn't about them. They have a big view of God and they aren't prideful or pessimistic. They are humble in a healthy way. They have a growing understanding of God's love and that they are cherished by Him.

This is what I desire. But it scares me. Honestly. I've had a taste of what Jesus experienced here on earth and it's not fun. Be careful when you pray "Your will be done" and "I want to be more like Jesus."  God will answer that prayer. But, even if you don't ask for it, you might just get it anyway because it is His will that His children be conformed more and more into His image. He simply loves us too much to leave us to our independent, wayward, selfish ways.

As my trust in God's character (His unfailing love, His mercy, His patience, His goodness) continues to grow I think I will fear His correction less and welcome it more. I hope. :) 

(I think I see a faint glow on the horizon!)

The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The Lord protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me. Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. Psalm 116: 5-7

Until next time..

and the greatest of these is love

She's Got Legs

So, I had a dream last night about seeing myself running and my legs were strong and lean (oh yeah!!). Can't you just hear it "she's got legs, she knows how to use them..." (sorry, couldn't resist - I did grow up in the 80s after all)


I've been through a long, trans-formative, difficult yet good, healing, painful, confusing 4 years. But this is over. (Do I dare say that?!) Well, parts of it aren't over. Life is a process. To me it is ALL about the journey and obviously God isn't finished with me yet. But I do believe there were some very specific things that occurred that are now finished for me. HALLELUJAH!!! Happy dance!


So, what do legs have to do with this? I'll get to that in a bit. I've been experiencing for probably two years now a deep desire for joy. And by joy I don't mean just the deep abiding joy that comes from knowing your salvation is assured (that when I die I'm going to heaven), but the bubbling, overflowing joy that looks like you are actually, truly happy and enjoying life. I agree with authors who write about the fact that a lot of Christians aren't so fun to be around and thus why would people be attracted to a bunch of rule-following, unhappy people? 


Having said that, I also know I could not have made myself be happy even if all the world depended on it these last 4 years. Sometimes people go through hard stuff and to say "just put on a happy face" is plain ignorant and worse, uncaring for their situations that are truly painful. No, I wasn't clinically depressed and I was able to smile and enjoy things, but inside I was struggling...a lot. Because I loath feeling weak and vulnerable, I think I did a pretty good job hiding what was going on under the surface..... except to those who I chose to be weak and vulnerable with. (thank you Jesus for those people!!!) And before you go jumping to conclusions, what I'm referring to had a little to do with my recent life circumstances and a whole lot to do with unhealed stuff from my past which is now mostly addressed and healed. Happy Dance! And can I get an AMEN!


I long to be filled with bubbling joy and I believe it's coming. I sense a new chapter ahead for me, for my family. God told me this was going to happen. To bestow on them....the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise for spirit of despair - Isaiah 61 But it seemed the day would never come. My patience with the process often wore thin. I do not surrender easily.


OK, I know you are eagerly waiting to hear what legs have to do with this. Like I said, I dreamed I saw my legs and they were strong and lean and I was running, moving forward (btw, I'm not a runner, which is why it was so curious to see this in my dream). I enjoy dream symbol interpretation, it's the therapist in me, and to see legs in a dream indicates that I have regained confidence to stand up and move forward again. It also implies strength, progress and my ability to navigate through life. As I prayerfully consider this interpretation, it gives me great encouragement and hope.


Father, I am amazed at how you speak to me, and how you love me!


For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jer. 29:11-13 


until next time


...and the greatest of these is love

Row Boats and Grief

I received a gift a couple years ago: a gray mat picture of a solitary row boat on quiet water with the verse “The faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Psalm 117:2" 

I never really understood why this picture was chosen for me. 

As I am struggling with allowing myself to grieve, I was advised by a local pastor to dwell in the scripture of the story of Jesus walking on the water. So I read this story from 3 different gospels: Mark, Mathew and John (Luke doesn’t record it). At first I couldn’t see anything that really spoke to me. 

I let it sit.

A few days later I read it again. Sometimes things need to marinate.

This time it seemed like there was something just on the edge of my consciousness. Something significant….

But what was it?

I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I let it sit.

The day went on and some events happened that forced me to come face to face with my anger and grief.

I slept.

Next morning, it came.

This is from my journal:

I am afraid/fearful; I’m like the disciples in the boat. When they had finally tried to cross the lake they got stuck, struggling with the wind and waves. I am struggling. The storm just seemed too great for them. All they could see was the wind and waves. They couldn’t “see” Jesus. They thought he was a ghost. They were filled with fear.
“LORD, help me! If you are really here LORD, let it be that I can come to you.”
“So, come” Jesus says.
“No, I can’t. I already know I’ll sink, I know I doubt you, like Peter”
            Jesus got in the boat with the scared disciples and immediately it was calm. The water was still. (I think to myself: It is my boat – the boat in my gray picture!)
“Jesus, I need you to get in the boat with me. I don’t have the courage to step out on the water.”
“I know, I’m already here”

(I sit with this thought, then part of a song I wrote a few years ago comes strongly into my mind as I write and weep)

My dove is in the cleft of the rock
she's safe in the cleft of the rock

Come away, my beloved
Come away and be with me
Come away, my beloved
Come away with me

So, maybe there was a reason for the gray mat picture of the lonely boat. The faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. I cling to this as I rebuild trust with God and people.

It's one more step on this journey of faith.
Maybe,
eventually,
we can step out of the boat together.


Until next time...
 -the greatest of these is love

Insight on a Mountain

We just vacationed in Colorado. It was amazing! We enjoyed the views and even got to see a momma bear and her three cute cubs - a highlight for me! On our first day we took "America's Highway" to the top of Pikes Peak elevation 14,110 ft. It was quite a drive with many stops on the way up and down. The picture below was taken on the way up. That is our oldest son, Ben who is going off to college in just 12 days, but who's counting? On the second day, we climbed Mt. Cutler by a path with many steep drop offs. It made me quite nervous knowing my family was that close to falling down the side of a mountain. But we all returned home again safe and sound.

Back at home on Sunday we had family devotions and read Psalm 8 "O Lord, our Lord, your majestic name fills the earth! Your glory is higher than the heavens." And Psalm 121, "I look up to the mountains - does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! 
As we reflected on these Psalms each of us could share anything from the trip we wanted to. While on the mountain, Ben noticed that no matter where he was on that mountain, he couldn't see the whole thing. He could only see the part where he was. Even from the summit you could not see the entire mountain. What a great metaphor for our lives! (now do you know why I'm gonna miss this kid?!)

We cannot see the "big picture" only God can. But scripture reassures us, "The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade." What a comfort! As we send our firstborn off to college in 12 days (but who's counting?) it is so good to know that the Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.


Until next time
...and the greatest of these is love

What The Church Should Look Like

A friend posted this question on Facebook, "What should the church look like?" So I've been pondering this question.

My first reaction was "it should look like Jesus" but that seemed too simple of an answer - or maybe too expected. As I've been away from my home church for a couple months now, I've had some time to think about this question and about what kind of church I want to be a part of. These have been hard months for various reasons. Someday I may be able to share more, but I don't have enough space and healing to do that yet.

I picked up the book "Disappointment with God" by Philip Yancey (author of "What's So Amazing About Grace" and "The Jesus I Never Knew;" pretty much anything he writes resonates with me - it's weird, I think he can read my mind, though we've never met). I opened the book to a random page and read about how a friend of Philips had asked him "Where is God? Show me, I want to see him." Philip knew that at least part of the answer was to look at the people who belong to him - they are his "body," the "body of Christ." But we all know the trouble with this and Philip quotes Nietzsche, "His disciples will have to look more saved if I am to believe in their Savior." So Philip thinks about Mother Teresa, maybe if his friend could look at her, then he would believe. His friend does not know Mother Teresa, but he does know Philip. Philip concludes, my friend "will probably never hear a voice from a whirlwind that drowns out all questions. He will likely never get a personal glimpse of God in this life. He will only see me." Sobering thought. (pg. 157)

As I reflected on this "coincidental" passage it occurs to me that God has sent His people into my life to be His hands and feet many times (and me into theirs). People who have ministered, challenged, encouraged, comforted, corrected, loved, and on and on. These have all been conduits of the Holy Spirit.  The most powerful moments I have experienced have come at times of great weakness when others have ministered to me and I knew God was RIGHT THERE! It happened again this morning as I wept and a friend prayed for me. I was comforted by His "blessed assurance," Jesus was there.

So, "What should the church look like?" It looks like that. Grace and mercy flowing. The Holy Spirit invited and active. Soft hearts before God asking to be molded and shaped more into His image. People dying to self and living in Christ. "Church" isn't about buildings or denominations or worship styles or even religion (unless it's the Isaiah 58 kind). It's the people of God, being transformed by God and living out God's love on earth. I think my first reaction was right - it's Jesus.

Having said that, you need to know that I'm wrestling with Him right now. I know its OK to wrestle because the Holy Spirit reminded me of all the wrestlers in the Bible that I hadn't paid attention to before. In fact I believe He is inviting me into it. I think He knows I have some things I need to let Him have, if you know what I mean. I have often counseled people to tell God whatever was in their heart, even if it wasn't nice. "He has big shoulders," is a favorite line of mine. It's time I take my own advice.

And in the meantime, I know that the people of God in my life (my church) will continue to be Jesus to me in ways I desperately need. I hope I am that to some of them as well.

until next time
...and the greatest of these is love

Gina

Life Lessons - Some Learned the Hard Way

I was reflecting on some lessons I've learned over the years and decided to share them with you in the hopes it will bring a smile and maybe keep you from experiencing some of these unfortunate things. :) Enjoy!!

You shouldn't open the car door and get out while the car is still moving (road rash is painful)

Moms don't appreciate your artwork when it is on their furniture

The suction in mud puddles will hold your boots in, even if you keep moving

Your little sister's diaper is not a good storage spot for gravel (you will get spanked)

If a little boy asks you if you want to see something special - he isn't talking about a toy truck, so say "no!"

Jr. High girls are mean

Bullies will be bullies whether you deserve it or not

Breathing in too much sulfur fumes at Yellowstone can make you sick and it's best if you don't sleep next to someone with long hair

Always stop for very old dogs on one lane, snow-packed roads

Racing bicycles on loose gravel is a bad idea

Trust me, you'll know when you can no longer do carnival rides that go in circles

It's time to take the Tom Selleck poster down when you can't change clothes in your room 'cause he's looking at you

Do not believe your older brother when he tells you he turned off the electric fence

Peas don't taste any better after they've sat there for an hour so you might as well eat them

In college, beware of care packages from unknown sources

At the movie theater, you should note carefully where you were sitting if you have to leave and come back in

At the movie theater, you can't see "watch your step" signs in the dark

Avoid driving on black ice, or walking on it

Always scrape the ice off your back-window before backing up

Orange puke on white carpet leaves a stain

While changing clothes and your mom calls you to the phone, don't assume there is no company in the house

Dare-base can crack your wrist

Jumping on the ice is not a good way to test if it will hold you

Don't tickle people when they are hanging upside down - no matter how tempting it is

"no one will find out" means "DON'T DO IT YOUR GONNA GET IN TROUBLE!"

until next time -
...and the greatest of these is love

The Hobbit

I'm sure you have heard there is a movie coming out of the story that preceded the Lord of the Rings. I am reading this story right now. Of course, it's The Hobbit. Poor Bilbo Baggins goes on an adventure. Something proper hobbits just don't do.  But Bilbo has some Took blood in him from his mother's side of the family and they were more prone to things like this.

Bilbo has traveled with his 13 dwarf companions through goblin territory, dark forests with huge spiders, and a treacherous mountain, home to a killer dragon . It seems that just when he thinks it can't get any worse, it does. All through his adventures Bilbo finds himself longing for the safety of his home. He feels completely out of place, especially at first, and wonders why he ever agreed to go on this horrid adventure.

It just dawned on me there is a reason I am reading this book right now. A reason beyond just wanting to have something to read before drifting off to sleep. I find myself relating to Bilbo in deep and mysterious ways. While at first I thought him a bit cowardly and stuffy for not wanting to go on an adventure, as the book progressed I found myself understanding his deep longing for the predictability and safety of home.

Now I probably need to explain that I consider myself a bit of an adventurer. At least when I was younger. Maybe not as much now that I am parenting three boys. They don't need me to model risk taking behavior, believe me! So, it's been a bit of a surprise to be experiencing this feeling of longing for the familiar, the predictable, or "home" if you will (but not in the literal sense as I do have a home).

I like new experiences. But I have discovered that I like them on MY terms. Not when they come upon you like spiders in the dark or creepy goblins. Like Bilbo, I really don't like feeling out of control of things. But, like it or not, that is often the stuff of this life is it not? We get thrown curve balls all the time. Control is merely an illusion we conjure up to make us feel better in the midst of chaos.

So, where is my "home", my safe place, my refuge (though I dare not say my place of predictability). Psalm 27:8 "My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."

until next time
...and the greatest of these is love

Forgiving part 2

Last time I wrote that forgiving is like an onion....oh, how very true that is! I did complete the four step process I mentioned in the last blog hoping it would take care of the yuck feelings I continue to have,  in particular the anger and resentment; unfortunately that has not been the case.

To be clear, I am NOT angry with our former pastor Roger (apologies to those of you who may be unfamiliar with our church situation). OK, well maybe just a little bit for leaving, but in light of the battle he has had to fight from the beginning, and especially over the last year, I understand, as I had a ring side seat to his pain. I made this clear to the elders/deacons when I submitted my resignation, however the rest of the church body may not be aware of this.

I have been reading the book "The Supernatural Skyline, Where Heaven Touches Earth" by Jim Hylton. He's not the best writer as the skill of writing goes, but the content is very good. He speaks about the Kingdom of God on earth and some of his experiences over the years as he encountered God shaking things up. The other day I came across a section that stated in clear, concise words what I see happening. I resonated strongly and found myself in tears. In this section, he is talking about the divisions, conflicts and battles within the north american church. A church that he believes has drifted away from a faithful expression of Christ's Body on this earth. His assertion is that only about 25% of what we are doing in the average church is really Church life, where Jesus' life is on display and being shared with others. Here is part of this section:

 "My experience on several battle fronts and across several decades of wars and rumors of wars leads me to this conclusion. We make an enemy out of those who are our brothers and sisters, or those who could be. Instead of fighting the one who came to steal, kill, and destroy (see John 10:10), we fight each other. Jesus came to destroy the works of the devil (see 1 John 3:8) He has never changed His mission. That same assignment is ours.
     Our battle is waged over issues that are not the real issues. These issues Jesus called "wineskins" or traditions. When challenged by the Pharisees about His choice of Matthew, a tax collector, as a disciple and His practice of eating with "sinners" He answered in story form. He described how old garments do not get new patches and old wine skins won't hold new wine (see Matt 9:16-17). These traditions grow out of what may have started as a fresh work of God. Once they lost their initial purpose, they become "wineskins of tradition."
     Every awakening precipitates a "wineskin war" because old wineskins begin to crack and tear from the energy of fermenting new wine. Threatened wineskins must be defended by those whose commitment is to a "cause" rather than to the Kingdom.
Many issues become the announced focus that people divide and war over. Some cry "doctrinal error," some cry "denominational disloyalty," and some cry "excess instead of balance." But behind the protest, there is usually a threatened existence of  a wineskin that no longer flexes under Christ's rule.
    Wineskins have many expressions. It may be geographical territory, the cause of a ministry, a denominational standard, or a tradition that has become an idol to be followed rather than the truth God has spoken." Pg. 116, 117 The Supernatural Skyline

I vividly remember a sermon on this topic and could feel the tension in the room as people bristled from the mere idea that our church had wineskin issues to address. Some in the room felt very threatened  (just as it talked about above) and lashed back at the pastor with "how dare you" or "who do you think you are?"  attitudes and statements. Now, a few years later maybe we can see a bit more clearly what those wineskin areas are? Or maybe not.

Obviously this isn't just our church's issue. Any church or pastor that attempts to bring more of Jesus' life and ministry into it's expressed ministry is going to face great resistance. Both from it's members and from the cunning ways in which the devil works to thwart it. Our pastor experienced both of these kinds of resistance.

My family has been visiting area churches the last month and plans to continue this over the rest of the summer. As a visitor, I can go and worship and stay on the surface of church life. I understand why some people choose to not get involved deeply in their churches, I really do. Maybe this is where I need to be for awhile. Just floating on the surface, allowing God's love and presence to buoy me and allowing His healing water to enfold me. I can't force the yuck to go away, but in His time, He'll show me if there are things I still need to address with people or if He'll take care of it. And I know He'll lead our family where we are meant to be. It may even be back to the church we had to walk away from 5 weeks ago.

until next time,

...and the greatest of these is love

Forgiving

It's like an onion; layer after layer... and you'll likely shed a few tears along the way. That's what forgiveness is like. Especially for those really deep wounds. You know the ones - the ones that need a really long time to heal cause they've cut into deep tissue. These are the kind that leave scars, but those scars are markers of the wonderful work of healing that God has accomplished in you.

I recently was reminded of a process of forgiving I had forgotten about. I learned it a couple years ago, but hadn't needed to put it into practice in a real way, so it had fallen into that part of my brain where things go that aren't immediately needed and fade away. It is a 4-step process and one I'm not really looking forward to completing, but something I know I need to do.

Have you ever been in that place? You know that out of obedience, you are to forgive. God is VERY clear on this issue. But you want to hold on to your right to be angry, hurt, or resentful for just a while longer. After all, you feel entitled to it. The hurt/pain you've experienced was very real. But the price you and your loved ones will pay if you hold on too long is high.

I was listening to Beth Moore earlier this week and she was talking about forgiveness and Matthew 6:12-15

"and forgive us our sins, as we have forgiven those who sin against us. 

And don't let us yield to temptation, but rescue us from the evil one. 

If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."

Sandwiched between the verses about forgiveness is the part about temptation and being rescued or delivered from the evil one. She made the point that when we stay in a state of refusing to forgive, we place ourselves in a position where we are unable to resist temptation. Our "entitlement" attitude can lead us down a path of sin pretty quickly. (I can do ______ [fill in the blank] if I want to....)  Bitterness always has an impact on those around us. Boy, could I relate to this!! 

This morning the Lord brought me to 1 John 4: 7-20. This passage speaks about God's love, "This is real love - not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins." 

"But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us."

"We love each other, because he loved us first."

When it comes to forgiveness I think it takes the supernatural love of God IN US to be able to grant forgiveness. And God has experience in this department, he did it first hand through Jesus, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. This gives me hope and courage to step into something I feel completely incapable of doing on my own.

So what is this 4 step process? 

Step 1: Hold up to the Lord all the things about the person/situation that trouble you. Identify all the ways in which you have been hurt. [pray it through, releasing it to the Lord]

Step 2: Hold up to the Lord all the things about you that trouble the other person/situation. Ways in which you have intentionally on unintentionally hurt the other. [pray it through, releasing it to the Lord]

Step 3: Hold up to the Lord your heart's desire for this person/situation. [pray it through, releasing it to the Lord]

Step 4: Hold up to the Lord your hearts' desire for yourself. [pray it through, releasing it to the Lord]

This is the simple version; there is a bit more to it, but you get the idea. I wish I were excited to jump right into this and get going. But alas, I am not. I already know what this will cause in me as I address it. I've been through it before. Frankly I just don't want to go there. I don't want to cry and be vulnerable and weak and I know this is part of this process. Admitting the ways I've been hurt or have hurt another is just NO FUN! My pride is pricked and I resist this with a fleeting "OK, I'll do it tomorrow" hoping for one more day of living in the gray of avoidance. 

God is gentle and patient. He has come to my rescue so many times and I know He's not about to abandon me now. I'm thankful and grateful for the way He works in me, the way He speaks to me, the way He loves me. 

Till next time...

and the greatest of these is love!

A Trip Down Memory Lane

I've been thinking about the past, specifically, my growing up years and remembering the good stuff.
I wonder how many of you can relate to some of these things:

Running down the fresh made silage pile (before it got covered with black plastic and tires)

Using leftover black plastic as a home made "slip n slide"

Bringing meals out to the field with mom and siblings to eat together (usually a casserole) as dad was too busy to stop and come home to eat and he would get tired of cold sandwiches

Crocheted capes - worn with pride to Sunday morning church (because grandma made them)

Wearing clothes that matched my siblings (and my mother made those)

Playing in the mud puddles until my boots got stuck - falling over in said mud puddle

Making forts: in trees, in hay bales, in bushes (behind Doug and Lisa Dykstra's house - I think that was the PCGS grounds actually) on playgrounds, under bleachers, under tables (with blankets) etc, etc.

Sunday coffee time after morning church at alternating grandma's houses and having Sunday dinners at grandma's. Fighting over who got to sit next to grandma Dyk at afternoon church because she gave out pink peppermints.

FIELD DAY! WOOHOO! (especially in the lower grades - was SO FUN!)

Giant tractor tire inner tubes at the river

Grilled hot dog and hamburgers by the river after swimming all afternoon on those giant inner tubes!

S'mores

Grade school Christmas program - NEW dress

Having a Sunday coat (only for wearing to church and other special occasions)

The once a month HOT lunch! :)

Sleepovers at Janelle's, walking the creek bed and shooting bats in the barn with a bb gun

Mowing the lawn and singing as loud as I could

The Platte swimming pool concession stand (which they closed) but it was great while it lasted - I could get big Laffy Taffy, not that tiny stuff they have now; going to the pool and getting candy was a big deal when I was little

Armour Music Contest  - especially the duet with Joel - that was memorable!

Pen Pals - two in particular, that were both met at music functions (go figure!)

Booms Drive In, as a 3rd grader I could eat a footlong with everything, fries, and a chocolate shake (tried once as an adult, couldn't do it) in the teen years it was a pizza burger, fries and diet coke :)

Bowling on Thanksgiving at the Platte Lanes with my cousins

The end of the year rolling skating party

Ah, sweet memories! I'll continue this list at another time....


and the greatest of these is love

I Need A Hero!

Have you noticed the increase in superhero movies in the last 10 years? It's not a brand new thing, they've been around a long time. Superman seemed to start it in the 70s and 80s, but now we have Iron Man, The Green Hornet, The Incredibles, Hancock, the Spiderman series, and more. Do you suppose there is a reason for this?

Yesterday at church it was mentioned that we live in a very anxiety ridden culture. It seems fear is rampant. What better way to deal with the threats out there than to hope for a superhero to come to our rescue! Back in the 80s Bonnie Tyler sang the questions many people are asking today:

"Where have all the good men gone

And where are all the gods?

Where's the street-wise Hercules

To fight the rising odds?

Isn't there a white knight upon a fiery steed?

Late at night I toss and I turn and I dream of what I need."

This song was hugely popular for good reason. It seems many of us resonate with the desire to be rescued. 

The thing is, we have been rescued! God sent us a hero to rescue us - Jesus Christ. Which many of you Christians already know, so that seems obvious. But if that is true, why do we Christians still find ourselves so often in the boat with those who are anxious and fearful?

In the Bible (John 5) there is a story of a crippled man who had been sick 38 years laying by a pool waiting for a supernatural healing that only happened if someone would help him get into the water at the right moment. Its a sad, sad story. You feel sorry for the bloke until you hear Jesus ask him if he really wants to get well. Then you start to see a bit of a different picture. Thirty-eight years is a long time. Do you suppose he just got used to being stuck in this predicament? In all those years, he couldn't have gotten himself to the edge of that pool and slipped in when the water stirred? Did he truly want to be healed? Or had he gotten stuck? Jesus says to him "Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!" Notice the exclamation - Jesus was stern. It was a wake up call. 

And why did that part about "pick up your mat" need to be in there? Do you suppose in his years of illness he had forgotten to take care of his "stuff"? Just got used to other people taking care of him? After all, according to him, it was other peoples' fault for why he was still there, "I have no one to put me into the pool..." 

Interesting story. I can relate to the crippled guy. In fact, recently I've been stewing about a situation and feeling sorry for myself. Now, to be clear, I have been wronged. I have justification to feel the way I do. However, to wait for someone else to come to my rescue is wrong. The God of the universe has already come to my rescue and He lives within me providing me with what I need every day! He gives me the guidance, wisdom and discernment I need to address what needs to be addressed in ways that bring Him honor and glory. 

Healing is a process. And it is often painful, but I'd rather experience the pain and be moving forward than just staying stuck with no hope, wishing someone else would swoop in and take care of it for me. I can hear Jesus saying to me, "So, what's it going to be Gina? Are you going to stay here or are you going to take My hand, get up, and walk?" I choose to walk. 

I have a HERO! His name is Jesus. He lives in me through the power of the Holy Spirit. He brings healing and wholeness as I surrender to Him and allow Him to live BIG in me. There is nothing I face that He and I can't handle! 

There will always be tests, failures, trials, pain, loss and things we DO NOT UNDERSTAND in this world. But God is ALWAYS good and He will ALWAYS be with us through these times. His love never fails. He has a good plan for those who love Him. I know this is true, I've experienced it. 

until next time

...and the greatest of these is love

A Lie Unchallenged Becomes the Truth You Live By

(The title for this blog is a quote from the The Ultimate Journey (www.theultimatejourney.org) a 3 phase course/journey from Christ-Life Ministries, Inc.)

"A lie unchallenged becomes the truth you live by." Think about that statement. Let's say as a child you experience a great deal of teasing or harassment because of something you have no control over. The statements made sink in, the child begins to believe them because no one is countering it (or not countering it enough). It happens to everyone. Not just from teasing or harassment, but other things as well. Events, situations, people in authority positions, even sometimes well-intentioned can all relay a message to an impressionable mind that is contrary to the truth.

Jesus said, "But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believes in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea." Matthew 18:6. So we know from this, that it's serious business to harm a child to the point that leads them to sin.

But it happens all the time. Bullying, abuse, neglect are all very common in our world and have been around since the fall.

God knows this and provides ways for us to expose the lies we have come to believe and to identify the root causes. Often, these well entrenched lies and beliefs are so ingrained we don't know why we think them or where they began, but God does and He will show this to us when we are ready and willing to ask Him to do so. The Ultimate Journey was a wonderful tool for this in my life. A good Christ-centered counselor can be a great help too. (yes, I'm promoting my counseling ministry Foundations Christian Counseling 641-628-9966)

It was much easier for me to admit the ways in which I had sinned, the mistakes I have made. You see, at least I had control over this. Those were my decisions, for good or evil. I could humbly repent and turn to the Lord for forgiveness and even learn to forgive myself. However, there were underlying factors that I did not have control over that greatly influenced the choices I made later in life. Those were the things I didn't want to acknowledge; didn't want to admit had happened. Those things made me feel vulnerable and ashamed; weak and helpless. But with a growing understanding of God's love, and a willingness to go back there one more time, I could take the small steps needed toward exposing the secrets and shining His light on darkness. By clinging to His promises to restore and redeem I went on the journey.

That was 3 years ago. The seeds planted during that time continue to grow and are now producing fruit in my life that is evident to those who know me. God does that. Jesus knows our weaknesses, our hurts, our past, our shame, and He doesn't stand stoic and unmoved, NO, He KNOWS what we feel and experience because He has felt and experienced it also. He says "humble yourself like a child" be willing to do the hard work - face the things you are afraid to face - I'll be right there with you.

I heard it said recently that Christians who weep a lot are close to God; they are experiencing His presence. I think this is true. The more I've felt His hands on my life healing, molding, shaping, correcting; the more tears I have shed. And someday, I'm guessing God will show me the 'bottle' (are you kidding, it's going to be a barrel!) of the the tears He's stored for me and let me see the bigger picture - until then, I rest in His love and trust His good plan for my life.

until next time

...and the greatest of these is love

New Beginnings

2 Cor. 3:14,16  But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away... So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord - who is the Spirit - makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image.

A couple blogs ago I wrote that I think my overall life message to the world is that God makes all things new. He is in the transformation business for His glory and for our good.

There is an analogy I love about when God moves into your heart's home (after He's invited of course). You think He's there to do a nice little remodeling job. A bit of paint, tearing out the old ugly wall paper - "who put that up anyway?!"; some new drapes. A nice little cottage...... But wait, what's this?.... OUCH!.... He's tearing down a wall.... no not just one wall, OUCH!!....wait, what's going on? the whole house is coming down! You are disillusioned, "what is happening?!" you wonder. "I didn't sign up for this!" But the KING of the universe isn't interested in your safe, neat little cottage. He is making you into a mansion for HE is living there.

I love this analogy. I find it true to my life experience and those of other dedicated Jesus followers. God isn't interested in a makeover. He's interested in complete and utter transformation. I honestly don't want my former self to be recognizable when He is finished with me.  I know that is a scary thing to say, because I know how painful dying to SELF is. But I will choose this path until it kills me. Yep, until it kills the self loving, self protecting, self promoting tendencies within me. I know this is a long process, wrought with failure and humiliation. But I heard recently that to be a true disciple means to shown over and over again your weaknesses. (think about Jesus disciples and how Jesus was always teaching them how they had it wrong) The fact that HE is dwelling in me will give me the power to continue this journey. Also, knowing how much He loves me.

So, as I begin new ventures with my Lord I know that part of it has to do with putting to death the old self and the ways I have found self-satisfaction outside of Him. He is inviting me to trust Him completely. I know from past ventures like this that when I take a leap of faith, I have found my faith well placed.

until next time

....and the greatest of these is love

Random thoughts

I'm not a rambler. I've never been called a "chatty cathy" to my knowledge. The older I get the more I prefer quiet. This was not true 5 years ago when I hated silence and had to have background noise at all times.

I like a cup of coffee and time to be still. Though that's a bit ironic as the coffee adversely affects my inner calm. I know I need to watch my caffeine intake, but one cup in the morning is like a warm hug to start my day. I usually wake up very slow. I have low blood pressure, so a little coffee in the morning helps.

I really enjoy the older years of my children. I've love the teen years with my oldest son, but he's been very easy on us so it's hard to tell. Babies are wonderful too, but the stage I feel was not my best was the toddler/pre-school years. You can't reason with that age. I much prefer parenting when they are able to understand. Not that they always agree, but at least they understand. I've changed for the better and gotten more patient as I've aged. Our poor oldest got my most impatient parenting. I've told him I'll pay for his counseling someday. I also believe that parents should apologize to their kids when they screw up. I've done my share of that too.

There is good in most everything and everyone. There is also evil. I marvel at a few people I know who are always able to see the good, it's as natural as breathing for them. I want to be like that. Not in a naive kind of way, but in a way that is able to see both, but choose to dwell in and call out the good.

I believe in seasons. Unlike the set pattern of seasons in nature our spiritual seasons can last years or be as short as a few months. It is in the stormy seasons that we grow the most. I heard a quote from a movie that rings true - it is in the ruin that transformation occurs. I've lived this and it is true.

People have a strong need to know. I have seen and experienced that it is very difficult to live in a place of "unknown." People can be ugly when they feel they don't know what they think they should know. It is a true test of character to remain stable in a place of unknown. I don't like to be in that place, but I've been there. I'm not there now. I prefer NOT be in that place, but while in that place I was able to find peace. It was a great insight and gift to realize I could find peace while in a place of unknown. I'm not special, anyone can, it comes from time with God.

God is not synonymous with religion. While religion has a function, God cannot be contained within it. Churches are flawed because they are filled with people. Neither the failings of religion or churches should keep one from pursuing God. God is bigger than any institution. And while we are hurt by people within these institutions, we need to continue to develop relationships with other God-followers/seekers/disciples and this usually happens through those flawed institutions. However, I have learned that my relationships with other God followers is not dependent on being in the same church. It is dependent on my willingness to invest in that relationship.

I have vital, nourishing relationships with several different people. I used to think I should have one best friend. I think this idea started in elementary school. It is a flawed idea. No one person can meet your relationship needs. I need several different friends with different slants on life and different perspectives that I trust. I have that. I am blessed.

Of the Trinity (God the Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit) I am the most unsettled with Jesus. I know, strange. He's the human after all - the one most like me. There have been some helpful things such as reading the fiction book "Shack" and seeing the portrayal of Jesus in the visual Bible - book of Matthew, you can really feel the love He has for people. I think what I really struggle with is the challenge I see of living a life totally surrendered to the will of the Father. Jesus did it. He says I can do it too and that He supplies whatever is needed in order for that to occur. Surrender is an ongoing thing. It would be so much simpler if I could surrender 1x and be done with it.

Well, that's enough random thoughts for one blog.
until next time

....and the greatest of these is love

I can walk around half-naked if I want to! (NOT)

A man who takes it upon himself to intervene in his friend's situation, without his friend's knowledge or consent. 


A co-worker who "picks up the slack" for another co-worker every week to keep him from getting in trouble.


A young mom who gives another mom unsolicited advice about how to better parent her children.


An older man who walks through his home not fully clothed when guests are visiting and states that it's his house and he can do what he wants.


A teenage girl that allows her friends to tell her what to wear and runs errands for them for free.

What do all of these situations have in common? They all have some kind of boundary violation.
     I've been thinking about boundaries a lot lately, due in part to ways in which people have violated them that has affected me personally, but also because I'll be doing a talk on boundaries in a few weeks, so it's on my mind.
     One thing is pretty clear: we've all done it, violated our own or someone else's boundary. Often times we do it with the best of intentions thinking we are helping our friend or loved one like in the first examples, or that we have our "rights" and so we can do what we want without regard for other people or we think we are being giving and putting others' needs ahead of our own like the last example.

So what exactly is a boundary? Well, simply put it is a way of knowing that place where I end and you begin, what is mine to control and what isn't. Healthy emotional boundaries include things like self respect and respect for others.

So why do we feel compelled to get involved in other people's situations/lives? And/or why do we let other's invade our boundaries and not stand up for ourselves? Well, those are not easy questions to answer. There could be a myriad of reasons. Maybe it was modeled in the family we grew up in, maybe we believe it is our duty to help others out if we feel they need it, maybe we don't believe we are worthy of being treated with respect.

There are some spiritual truths to be applied. Jeremiah 29:11(for I know the plans I have for you) and Psalm 139 are often pointed to as verses that affirm God has a plan for each person. Do I really trust God to be God when it comes to the people I care about: friends, family, co-workers? Or do I feel compelled to help God out a little? Am I able to step back and allow other people to work out their own situations and not intervene, trusting that God has a good plan for them even if I can't see it right now?

When we do believe God is calling us to intervene, Galatians 6 has some wisdom to share, "if any believer is overcome by sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself."  (emphasis mine) This is tricky because we are instructed to love each other and sometimes that means I do intervene, in love, in another person's life. But it should not be motivated by my need to help, and only after much prayerful consideration. I think the 'plank in the eye' story fits here as well, so we best be careful when doling out that helpful advice.

Another truth from scripture teaches us that humility and seeking the best for others (Romans 15:1-6) would make us question whether we have the right to walk around in our home in a way that makes others very uncomfortable or do anything that is disrespectful to others just to meet my need of the moment.

And the big one - what could possibly be at work in people who know they are co-heirs with Jesus and the sons and daughters of God to allow others to walk all over them and violate their boundaries?
     I think at the core of the issue is a lost sense of self-worth. This is where all the Biblical truths about who God says you are and how much He loves you needs to soak deeply into the heart and take root. There are also lies that need to be up-rooted (you aren't good enough, you'll never amount to anything, God could never love you) and taken out so there is adequate room for the truth to grow and flourish. Once a child of God has a right understanding of who they are in Christ and believes it, they are much less likely to allow others to violate their boundaries.

Another factor is fear of what others will think of us if we don't do what they want us to. In Gal 1:10 Paul writes, "Obviously, I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant." Sobering words.


until next time
...and the greatest of these is love

LIVE Saturday Night - coming soon

I'm EXCITED!! OK, Cautiously Excited might be more fitting.

Is it possible to be excited about going to a church service on a Saturday night? If you had asked me that a few years ago I would have asked you if you were feeling OK. I've changed. Yep, I know, it's hard to believe, but I'm ready to give up my Saturday nights, at least 1x per month to do this.

Of what am I referring? Well, LIVE Saturday Night at Grace Fellowship on March 5 of course!! A few years ago God started to tug at my heart to go deeper in prayer. I have been like a sponge wanting to learn more, experience more of Him and prayer is the way to experience a first hand relationship with the LIVING God. Jesus Christ is alive and well and more than just mildly interested in our lives, He wants to be our life blood, our oxygen, our true north.

I am also a worshiper and love how music brings expression to what I feel toward my Savior. In Revelation it speaks of the harp and bowl. (Rev. 5:8) The harp refers to worship music, the bowl holds the incense symbolizing the prayers ascending to the throne of God.  We have music symbols and the bowls of prayers rising painted on the outer walls of our worship center. I don't know how many people are aware of the significance of that painting, but it always strikes me when I take the time to really look at it.  You will also see the faint outline of a dove - the symbol of the Holy Spirit: the person of the Trinity who inspires our prayers. "And pray in the Spirit at all times." Ephesians 6

Here's what to expect when you come to LIVE. We are starting with community, invite your friends to come at 6:30 and enjoy some great coffee and fellowship. Then the music will start around 7:00 and we'll worship, leading into prayer.  There will also be some teaching about prayer - this month will focus on Spiritual warfare and how to pray effectively with the authority you have as a child of God. Then we will pray. You won't flounder though - no worries, we'll provide the help you'll need.  Even if you've never uttered a prayer in your life, you'll be OK. There will also be childcare provided for the little ones. We'll be sure to be all done by 8:30 (or sooner).

So come on out for LIVE, and bring some LIFE to your Saturday Night.

until next time...
and the greatest of these is love.

What is Your Calling?

Our Sunday morning service ended with a time of guided prayer. In Colossians 4:3 Paul asks the church to pray that "God will open the door for our message." Paul's message or call was the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace (Acts 20:22-24). Our prayer time was asking God to clarify what our personal calling is, what task have we been given, what is our message? And like Paul, we prayed that God would open the door to our message.

So of course, I've been pondering what my message is; my overall life task while here on this earth. What part has God asked me to play in His story? Over the last several years I've been looking back over my life and allowing God to heal the broken places, to restore what was lost. I've had plenty of opportunity to take a larger view of my life - so what do I see? What have I been hearing from God through all of it?

Many years ago I attended a conference where Pastor Jack Hayford had the keynote address. There have been times in my life when the Holy Spirit has said "pay attention - this is important for you to hear". In his address he spoke about God restoring to his saints what has been lost. He referenced Joel 2:25. I've never forgotten it.

I know transformation is a lifelong process. But there are times in life when the work is much more intense and can last for several years. If you have lived long enough you have experienced this yourself. It's like being in the operating room and not being sure if you're going to survive the surgery. 

What I see is a picture of God who is continually making things new, better, transformed. 

Here is a real metaphor from my past: The farm house I grew up in is gone, burned to the ground and the people who purchased the property from my parents have built a new home. The schools and the church have also been rebuilt. Out with the old in with the new. The new buildings are equipped for the age in which we are living. They are much improved over the old.

The same is true for the inner life. The old thought patterns have had to go, the mind has needed renewal to be more in line with the mind of Christ. Old behavior patterns have had to go. Out with the old in with the new. New wine in new wine skins. God is doing A New Thing. "A New Thing" is a song I wrote a handful of years ago, before all this deep healing started. I think He was trying to tell me something. :) 

Words that people have associated with my life in recent years include: worship, prayer, faith, peace, healing, restoration. These are not words I would have associated with my past life. I wonder if my message is God is making all things new. I fuel this message through worship and prayer. I bear witness to God's healing and restoration every time I share my story. I live out the message from a place of peace and faith, trusting that God will indeed make good on every promise He has spoken. 

Even as I read that paragraph I realize how much I fall short. Very quickly I'm reminded of other words that have been associated with my life. Words that are not positive or redeemed. But that's just it isn't it? That's the tactic the devil uses to keep us from boldly going out with the task that God has given us. If you get stuck here, if you feel you are disqualified from the task, do the work to become qualified. Receive forgiveness, make amends, open up to the Lord and ask Him to qualify you and be reminded of this, "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." 

until next time...
and the greatest of these is love 

Carried or Something Deeper?

Do you remember the poem "Footprints in the Sand"? The author writes about a dream she has in which the scenes of her life appear in the sky and in the sand below are corresponding footprints, often 2 sets: hers and the Lord. However, she is bothered by the fact that during the most difficult and trying times, there appears only one set of footprints. She questions the Lord about this because of His promise to walk with her always. His response was that during the darkest points of her life He was carrying her, and thus only one set of footprints. (This poem can easily be found online if you want to read it.)
     I've always liked this poem and it's message. It has been a comforting sentiment. But does He "carry" us in those dark times? Or is it something even deeper, more profound?
     I've been reading the book Stronger by Jim Daly. It is about the hard times, the trials, the tests we go through. When I read the passage I quote below, I pondered it for the next 24 hours. Could this be true? If so, why wasn't I taught this growing up? 

     "Author, counselor, and psychologist Larry Crabb describes it this way: [God] vanishes from our sight to do what He could not do if we could see Him. In the spiritual journey, I know of nothing so difficult to believe. But it's true.

Think of those three hours of darkness on the cross. Jesus screamed in agony, "God, where are you?" God said nothing. But it was during that exact time that God was in the Son reconciling the world to Himself.

Imagine the comfort we would experience and the hope we would feel if we realized that during His felt absence, Jesus is working to cut the chain from our ankles, to remove the weight that keeps us from flying." (emphasis mine)

     I was taught that God turned His back on Jesus while he hung there on the cross.  Jesus was taking on all the sin of the world (Isaiah 53) and as God is pure and holy, He would have turned away from Jesus in that time. 
     As I've stated before in my blogs, I'm not a theologian. But when I examine the scriptures it seems to me there is more to back up Larry Crabb's statement (as quoted in Stronger) than there is to back up what I was taught.
      Because I believe in Jesus He has come to dwell in me.  In scripture it states it just that way, Christ "in" me. Could it be that during our darkest times, when we cannot feel His presence, it is because He is so close to us, so IN us that we are unaware of Him? It is in those exact times He is working to cut away those things that bind us. What an incredible thought! 
    While the visual image of being carried by the Lord is pleasant, I don't think it captures what is really happening.
    I know that I have only scratched the surface here. I hope you ponder it and let me know where you land....


I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Gal 2:20


until next time...
and the greatest of these is love

LIVE BROKEN

I witnessed an unsettling event this morning.  Growing up we had a phrase we used when someone did something crazy, we called it "going postal" (because of a tragedy that happened when an incensed postal worker opened fire killing people). Also, the recent shooting in Tucson, AZ was fresh in my mind. 

I was at the post office this morning waiting in line and a very disgruntled person, who appeared to have some connection with the employee side of the post office walked out past me, making threatening statements about getting everybody fired. He looked me right in the eyes. He was VERY upset. This was incredibly unsettling to me. I made a point to watch him walk out of the building (I just wanted to be sure he wasn't going to go get something out of a vehicle) get on his bike and leave. In my attempt to make the world OK, I joked to the person ahead of me that I'd probably be grumpy too if I had to ride bike in this cold weather. We both chuckled, but inside I was nervous and a bit scared! It was very clear this person was bitter. I don't know his story, but bitterness was oozing from him. And I believe I was right to feel afraid. Bitterness can turn to hate and we all know where that leads - it ends up in the news.

Is this what happens when you get thrown a curve ball? When a tragedy strikes or a great injustice occurs? Is there an alternative to living in bitterness?

Over and over I've been hearing about the "brokenness" in our community. That somehow it's a bad thing that sins are being exposed and brought into the light. Frankly, I have to say that I think it's a blessing.  

I have been hearing the same basic message over and over lately and I decided to share it with you because perhaps you will relate to it. The message I keep hearing is this: LIVE BROKEN. 

I know, a bit disconcerting isn't it? We rugged individualists in America are STRONG, pull yourself up by your bootstraps kind of people right? That is what we value.

Doesn't BROKEN mean weak? humbled? outcast? vulnerable? Well I guess that depends on who you're asking. Could it be that God would look at BROKEN and see opportunity, beauty, courage, mold-ability, humility, and yes, even strength?

In Jim Daly's book STRONGER, he points out what being broken is NOT:
*If we are broken before the Lord, it doesn't mean that we are in a constant state of unhappiness or despair.
*If we choose to be broken, it does not mean we are committing ourselves to a life of trial and tragedy.
*Brokenness is not about lowering our self-esteem. As faithful followers of Christ, we never give up our place as cherished children of heaven.

What I think LIVE BROKEN means is a life of surrender. To chose to be completely and utterly dependent on Christ. The times I've come closest to this was during great trial, when confusion reigned and I have had nowhere else to turn. But I think there is a way to live in a state of dependence, though I admit I'm not good at it.

I think it requires deep honesty, genuineness, humility and daily surrender of my will. I think it requires a big view of God; that He is able to handle all my situations. I think it requires great trust and childlike faith; the kind of faith that when God says "you can fall backward now" you completely believe and KNOW He'll not let you hit the floor.

So, let's go back for a moment to my opening scenario. What if the disgruntled postal worker surrenders his bitterness? I'm not saying not to address an injustice through proper channels when that is needed. But what if, upon doing what he knows to do, he gives the entire situation over to God?

Make it personal. The next time I encounter a tragedy, an injustice etc. What will my response be? Will I take matters into my own hands, stake my claim, stand on "my rights", demand justice, rail at God?..... Honestly? ....I don't know. But I hope that this message I keep hearing over and over: LIVE BROKEN is somehow seeping into me, penetrating my soul.

If God cares about me enough to expose my hidden sins, to bring lies to light, to bring me through trial, to allow me to be broken in order that His strength can live fully in me, I think that is a beautiful thing and a great blessing. Though it may not feel like it at the time.

One final thought: when my oldest son was 2 he broke the femur bone in his right leg. The Dr. told us that the place where it broke would heal and be even stronger than the bone around it. I think that's similar to how brokenness works in us. When we are broken, God's strength compensates in ways that make us so much stronger - not because of us, but because we've surrendered to Him.

until next time
...and the greatest of these is love

This Time Last Year

I hadn't started blogging yet one year ago. Wow, so much has changed in my life since then - at least it certainly feels like it.

My husband had landed in Haiti at the Port-au-Prince airport on the day of the earthquake.  The team arrived a few hours prior to the quake and had lunch then traveled out of the city to their destination. They were at the orphanage where they planned to spend the week working on a building and interacting with the kids when the earth moved. They had no idea how bad it actually was until later that day when reports started to reach them.

Meanwhile, back home I received a phone call from one of Bruce's co-workers who had heard about this massive, terrible earthquake: "and wasn't Bruce supposed to fly into that airport today?" Bruce had called me the day before from Florida. They were ready to make the last leg of the journey the next day from Florida into Haiti. He didn't plan to contact me again for awhile.

After promising to call the co-worker back if I heard anything, I hung up the phone and turned on the TV. The news channels had initial reports and a few pictures. I didn't know what to think or feel - I didn't feel anything, I felt numb. I was strangely calm. But I also knew this was a big deal. My church had heard and sent out a prayer request and a notice that people would gather at the church at 8 p.m. to pray. We received word that evening from the team that they were safe.

They got home less than a week later and had quite a story to tell. However, this was just the beginning for all of us of processing the emotions of the ordeal. What did this mean? What was God doing through this? Why did this happen? etc., etc.

I can only share my journey....

For several weeks after Bruce was home, I kept my heart at a distance from God. Trust has been a long standing issue for me and this whole situation with Bruce's close call in Haiti didn't help.
Then one Saturday, I attended a Phase 2 seminar for the Ultimate Journey group I had just facilitated. I had awoken that morning with a vivid dream and was struggling with what it meant. I didn't have to go to the seminar, but I wanted to be there for my group members and I thought it wouldn't hurt for me to hear the material again.
As I listened to the speakers emphasize through stories and scripture God's heart for us.... for me, He began to work in my heart. Through the dream and the seminar God was addressing all the inner wrestling and painful accusations I had hidden away.
"Can I really trust you God?" I asked.
"Yes," He whispered.
"But what if Bruce had been killed?" I asked.
"Was he?" God asked back
"No," I replied, "but he could have been and I know we aren't given guarantees."
"What about the guarantee of My love? Do you believe I love you?"
"Yes, I do."
"Do you believe that I will never forsake you or abandon you?" 
"Yes, Lord."
"I'm asking you to go to a deeper level of trust and intimacy with Me, do you think you can do that?"
"No, I don't."
"You're right, You need Me even for that. I'll help you, I'll lead you. Just come spend more time with Me and we'll get there." 
"OK, I can do that as long as it doesn't depend on me."
"It doesn't"
 "OK, but God, Bruce wants to go back to Haiti to finish what he didn't get to do the first time - will he be OK?"
"Yes"

And he was.



Until next time...
and the greatest of these is love

Fears, Questions and His Will

How do you know when you are following God's direction? This is the question I have been asking. Over the last several years I've been actively seeking His will for me. More than any other time in my life, I've been diligently and persistently seeking Him and seeking His will. The journey has been hard but I wouldn't trade it!
Along the way God has given me glimpses of where He is leading. After getting one of these glimpses, I expanded the vision and made a picture of what I thought it would be. Then that door closed. This was a very painful and hard thing to experience. But it forced me to seek, pray and slowly explore other options. I went back to the previous glimpse and said, "OK God, when, where, how? You lead me." And He has been. In fact, He has been quite clear about what I was NOT to do. So, sticking with my door theme, He closed a couple more doors helping to narrow the choices.
But, now that I'm close to opening this new door, I'm afraid. What if I haven't been hearing Him right? What if I haven't waited long enough? Questions, doubts, fears. But this door has not closed. Of the door options I've laid before Him, this one has remained open and at times has had His light shining on it. So why am I so afraid to step through it?


A friend sent me this verse “You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. ¹⁴ But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it." Matthew 7:13-14
I wonder if there is something to this seeking and finding thing being difficult that is affirming of being on the right path. It seems that if something is very easy i.e. the broad way, that may lead to a place I really do not want to go.


I know I've said this before, but I continue to struggle with why the Christian path seems to be so difficult. Why was I led to believe that if you just believe in Jesus and accept Him as your Savior it would be smooth sailing after that. That is a false belief and is not backed up in any way by scripture. In fact, scriptures are filled with things like the above verse and "take up your cross daily and follow Me" type stuff. (like my grammar?:))  So you would think those false ideas wouldn't abound, but they do. Or maybe it abounds in our western culture and not so much in other places, where being a Christian means your life is in danger.


So, I struggle and worry and fret for awhile, but then He reminds me I don't need to figure it out...
"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." 
He has given me His Spirit and lives in me and I don't need to worry because I can trust His heart for me. He'll close the doors and open the ones I need to go in. I can depend on Him. These are the scriptures He as spoken to me over the last several months:
"Ask and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened." Luke 11:9 
 "Seek His will in all you do and He will show you which path to take." Prov. 3:6
 "Who are those who fear the Lord? He will show them the path they should choose." Psalm 26:12 
"For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him." Phil 2:13 
The secret to being content in all situations: For I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength." Phil 4:12-13
"I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:9-10
"I will lead blind Israel down a new path, guiding them along an unfamiliar way.  I will brighten the darkness before them and smooth out the road ahead of them. Yes, I will indeed do these things; I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16
"I am the Lord your God who teaches you what is good for you and leads you along the paths you should follow." Isaiah 48:17


Well, it's amazing what a little looking back will do for your soul. :) I suddenly don't feel so unsure. He is with me and that's enough to calm me and assure me. 


Till next time....
and the greatest of these is love