She's Got Legs

So, I had a dream last night about seeing myself running and my legs were strong and lean (oh yeah!!). Can't you just hear it "she's got legs, she knows how to use them..." (sorry, couldn't resist - I did grow up in the 80s after all)


I've been through a long, trans-formative, difficult yet good, healing, painful, confusing 4 years. But this is over. (Do I dare say that?!) Well, parts of it aren't over. Life is a process. To me it is ALL about the journey and obviously God isn't finished with me yet. But I do believe there were some very specific things that occurred that are now finished for me. HALLELUJAH!!! Happy dance!


So, what do legs have to do with this? I'll get to that in a bit. I've been experiencing for probably two years now a deep desire for joy. And by joy I don't mean just the deep abiding joy that comes from knowing your salvation is assured (that when I die I'm going to heaven), but the bubbling, overflowing joy that looks like you are actually, truly happy and enjoying life. I agree with authors who write about the fact that a lot of Christians aren't so fun to be around and thus why would people be attracted to a bunch of rule-following, unhappy people? 


Having said that, I also know I could not have made myself be happy even if all the world depended on it these last 4 years. Sometimes people go through hard stuff and to say "just put on a happy face" is plain ignorant and worse, uncaring for their situations that are truly painful. No, I wasn't clinically depressed and I was able to smile and enjoy things, but inside I was struggling...a lot. Because I loath feeling weak and vulnerable, I think I did a pretty good job hiding what was going on under the surface..... except to those who I chose to be weak and vulnerable with. (thank you Jesus for those people!!!) And before you go jumping to conclusions, what I'm referring to had a little to do with my recent life circumstances and a whole lot to do with unhealed stuff from my past which is now mostly addressed and healed. Happy Dance! And can I get an AMEN!


I long to be filled with bubbling joy and I believe it's coming. I sense a new chapter ahead for me, for my family. God told me this was going to happen. To bestow on them....the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise for spirit of despair - Isaiah 61 But it seemed the day would never come. My patience with the process often wore thin. I do not surrender easily.


OK, I know you are eagerly waiting to hear what legs have to do with this. Like I said, I dreamed I saw my legs and they were strong and lean and I was running, moving forward (btw, I'm not a runner, which is why it was so curious to see this in my dream). I enjoy dream symbol interpretation, it's the therapist in me, and to see legs in a dream indicates that I have regained confidence to stand up and move forward again. It also implies strength, progress and my ability to navigate through life. As I prayerfully consider this interpretation, it gives me great encouragement and hope.


Father, I am amazed at how you speak to me, and how you love me!


For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jer. 29:11-13 


until next time


...and the greatest of these is love

Row Boats and Grief

I received a gift a couple years ago: a gray mat picture of a solitary row boat on quiet water with the verse “The faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Psalm 117:2" 

I never really understood why this picture was chosen for me. 

As I am struggling with allowing myself to grieve, I was advised by a local pastor to dwell in the scripture of the story of Jesus walking on the water. So I read this story from 3 different gospels: Mark, Mathew and John (Luke doesn’t record it). At first I couldn’t see anything that really spoke to me. 

I let it sit.

A few days later I read it again. Sometimes things need to marinate.

This time it seemed like there was something just on the edge of my consciousness. Something significant….

But what was it?

I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I let it sit.

The day went on and some events happened that forced me to come face to face with my anger and grief.

I slept.

Next morning, it came.

This is from my journal:

I am afraid/fearful; I’m like the disciples in the boat. When they had finally tried to cross the lake they got stuck, struggling with the wind and waves. I am struggling. The storm just seemed too great for them. All they could see was the wind and waves. They couldn’t “see” Jesus. They thought he was a ghost. They were filled with fear.
“LORD, help me! If you are really here LORD, let it be that I can come to you.”
“So, come” Jesus says.
“No, I can’t. I already know I’ll sink, I know I doubt you, like Peter”
            Jesus got in the boat with the scared disciples and immediately it was calm. The water was still. (I think to myself: It is my boat – the boat in my gray picture!)
“Jesus, I need you to get in the boat with me. I don’t have the courage to step out on the water.”
“I know, I’m already here”

(I sit with this thought, then part of a song I wrote a few years ago comes strongly into my mind as I write and weep)

My dove is in the cleft of the rock
she's safe in the cleft of the rock

Come away, my beloved
Come away and be with me
Come away, my beloved
Come away with me

So, maybe there was a reason for the gray mat picture of the lonely boat. The faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. I cling to this as I rebuild trust with God and people.

It's one more step on this journey of faith.
Maybe,
eventually,
we can step out of the boat together.


Until next time...
 -the greatest of these is love