Row Boats and Grief

I received a gift a couple years ago: a gray mat picture of a solitary row boat on quiet water with the verse “The faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. Psalm 117:2" 

I never really understood why this picture was chosen for me. 

As I am struggling with allowing myself to grieve, I was advised by a local pastor to dwell in the scripture of the story of Jesus walking on the water. So I read this story from 3 different gospels: Mark, Mathew and John (Luke doesn’t record it). At first I couldn’t see anything that really spoke to me. 

I let it sit.

A few days later I read it again. Sometimes things need to marinate.

This time it seemed like there was something just on the edge of my consciousness. Something significant….

But what was it?

I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I let it sit.

The day went on and some events happened that forced me to come face to face with my anger and grief.

I slept.

Next morning, it came.

This is from my journal:

I am afraid/fearful; I’m like the disciples in the boat. When they had finally tried to cross the lake they got stuck, struggling with the wind and waves. I am struggling. The storm just seemed too great for them. All they could see was the wind and waves. They couldn’t “see” Jesus. They thought he was a ghost. They were filled with fear.
“LORD, help me! If you are really here LORD, let it be that I can come to you.”
“So, come” Jesus says.
“No, I can’t. I already know I’ll sink, I know I doubt you, like Peter”
            Jesus got in the boat with the scared disciples and immediately it was calm. The water was still. (I think to myself: It is my boat – the boat in my gray picture!)
“Jesus, I need you to get in the boat with me. I don’t have the courage to step out on the water.”
“I know, I’m already here”

(I sit with this thought, then part of a song I wrote a few years ago comes strongly into my mind as I write and weep)

My dove is in the cleft of the rock
she's safe in the cleft of the rock

Come away, my beloved
Come away and be with me
Come away, my beloved
Come away with me

So, maybe there was a reason for the gray mat picture of the lonely boat. The faithfulness of the LORD endures forever. I cling to this as I rebuild trust with God and people.

It's one more step on this journey of faith.
Maybe,
eventually,
we can step out of the boat together.


Until next time...
 -the greatest of these is love