This Time Last Year

I hadn't started blogging yet one year ago. Wow, so much has changed in my life since then - at least it certainly feels like it.

My husband had landed in Haiti at the Port-au-Prince airport on the day of the earthquake.  The team arrived a few hours prior to the quake and had lunch then traveled out of the city to their destination. They were at the orphanage where they planned to spend the week working on a building and interacting with the kids when the earth moved. They had no idea how bad it actually was until later that day when reports started to reach them.

Meanwhile, back home I received a phone call from one of Bruce's co-workers who had heard about this massive, terrible earthquake: "and wasn't Bruce supposed to fly into that airport today?" Bruce had called me the day before from Florida. They were ready to make the last leg of the journey the next day from Florida into Haiti. He didn't plan to contact me again for awhile.

After promising to call the co-worker back if I heard anything, I hung up the phone and turned on the TV. The news channels had initial reports and a few pictures. I didn't know what to think or feel - I didn't feel anything, I felt numb. I was strangely calm. But I also knew this was a big deal. My church had heard and sent out a prayer request and a notice that people would gather at the church at 8 p.m. to pray. We received word that evening from the team that they were safe.

They got home less than a week later and had quite a story to tell. However, this was just the beginning for all of us of processing the emotions of the ordeal. What did this mean? What was God doing through this? Why did this happen? etc., etc.

I can only share my journey....

For several weeks after Bruce was home, I kept my heart at a distance from God. Trust has been a long standing issue for me and this whole situation with Bruce's close call in Haiti didn't help.
Then one Saturday, I attended a Phase 2 seminar for the Ultimate Journey group I had just facilitated. I had awoken that morning with a vivid dream and was struggling with what it meant. I didn't have to go to the seminar, but I wanted to be there for my group members and I thought it wouldn't hurt for me to hear the material again.
As I listened to the speakers emphasize through stories and scripture God's heart for us.... for me, He began to work in my heart. Through the dream and the seminar God was addressing all the inner wrestling and painful accusations I had hidden away.
"Can I really trust you God?" I asked.
"Yes," He whispered.
"But what if Bruce had been killed?" I asked.
"Was he?" God asked back
"No," I replied, "but he could have been and I know we aren't given guarantees."
"What about the guarantee of My love? Do you believe I love you?"
"Yes, I do."
"Do you believe that I will never forsake you or abandon you?" 
"Yes, Lord."
"I'm asking you to go to a deeper level of trust and intimacy with Me, do you think you can do that?"
"No, I don't."
"You're right, You need Me even for that. I'll help you, I'll lead you. Just come spend more time with Me and we'll get there." 
"OK, I can do that as long as it doesn't depend on me."
"It doesn't"
 "OK, but God, Bruce wants to go back to Haiti to finish what he didn't get to do the first time - will he be OK?"
"Yes"

And he was.



Until next time...
and the greatest of these is love